my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.