I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.