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AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.