Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
that’s really how it is
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first