The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?