If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I love you…
…r dog.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you