i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?