We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
🛁
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar