why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk