[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
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☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I needed a laugh this morning.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’