The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning