I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.