[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*weighs self after shaving
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?