“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me trying to reach for my goals
yea so i messed up lol
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