I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider