Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy