Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.