Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
mood
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I got bills
They’re multiplying