I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
definitely did not do anything wrong
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.