I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat