I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Who’s your best friend?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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