There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.