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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Birds & Planes.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.