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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud