them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Why font matters.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I think my mom just blocked me
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again