That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred