same energy
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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Only a mother’s love …
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Challenge accepted.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.