THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Terribly Tuesday.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??