[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF