I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)