*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car