God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years