My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Science memes
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”