Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.