[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
79.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home