90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.