Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
A dead goose is called a ghoost
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???