I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Breaking news:
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW