No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Spa day..😅
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro