[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty