It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.