There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.