My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce