Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.