Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
doing some research
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate