“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Webb. James Webb.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.