When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Just a reminder, folks:
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same