I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.