I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
This 4th of July, please remember…
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!