[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Canada has crack?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
when you don’t want to be too vague
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke